Creative Coping When Spring Seems a L-o-o-o-ng Way Off

 SELF-CARE FOR THE GRIEVER
 By Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., GMS, CT, CHT
 Louisville, Kentucky

Spring is almost here and still it seems to be winter inside me. Will I ever thaw?

Will the sun ever warm my heart again? Will I ever be happy again? Will I ever
laugh or dance or dream again? Am I doomed to live the rest of my days caught

in grief's icy grasp? I want to feel the warm spring breeze brush across my face

andnot find tears trickling down my cheeks. I do not want winter to take up

permanent residence within my soul.

Grief seems to be lasting far longer than I thought it should. There are still days

and nights and hours and even moments when the pain is as fresh as it was at first.

Will it ever be spring inside me again?

There are no shortcuts to healing from the death of a loved one.

Grief takes far longer than anyone thinks it should. Grief hurts! There are no words

in any language that will make it all right that someone you loved has died.

But there are things that we can do that can break through the icy silence that seems

to surround us in our despair.

We can learn to nurture and care for ourselves in the winter of our grief.

It is not a choice of pain or no pain, but how we manage the pain we feel. We must

come to understand that grief is a natural and normal reaction to loss, of any kind.
Grief is not a sign of weakness or a lack of faith. It is the price we pay for love. So, we will

feel pain and grief and sorrow and sadness and emptiness, but none of these feelings

indicate we are not grieving correctly. Whatever we are feeling is a part of the grief process,

and the sooner we can relax into whatever we are experiencing, the sooner we may be able

to learn to work with our grief instead of denying it or hiding it.
So, let's explore some tips for caring for ourselves:

Acknowledge that life is stressful. Give yourself permission to hurt, to grieve. Be specific in

your acknowledgement of the pain, hurt and grief. What hurts?

(Your head, your heart, your arms?) Once we know what hurts, we can figure out how to help

that specific hurt. Be yourself. Realize that everyone reacts differently to a loss.

It is too hard to try to be someone else and he might be having an even worse time and who

needs that? Take off the mask and know you don't have to be okay every moment of every day.

Make a SMILE-ON-A-STICK for those days when you don't have the energy to

be what others need you to be. Whenever someone asks, "How are you?" you can whip out

your smile-on-a-stick and snarl (from behind the stick) "I'm fine." They will see the smile and

you did not have to be something you're not.

Focus on only one worry at a time. This helps combat being overwhelmed by worries.

If you find focusing on only one-at-a-time difficult, write each worry down on a separate 3x5

index card and the give them to your friends. Just give them to someone else for awhile.

You can handle one worry at a time. Let the others go.

Take care of yourself physically. Remember that grief is also a physical response to loss.

Eat right (eating the cookie box fulfills the fiber requirements easily), exercise

(at least buy the shoes) and find the stress relief that physical activity brings. If nothing else,

jog your memory.

Don't deny yourself the gift of healing tears. Cry whenever you wish. Trying to stop tears just

leads to a terribly sore throat and smudged mascara. Be prepared, however, because you never know when the tears will start. Carry lots of tissues with you at all times.

I have found a roll of toilet paper is more practical and no one ever asks why I am carrying it..

Be kind to yourself. Learn to forgive yourself first.Chocolate helps. When there are no words,

there is always chocolate. Do not eat the entire box, however. One piece will do.

Listen to everyone, but follow your own music. You know more intuitively about what you need

than anyone else.

We sometimes just have to learn to grow quiet within and listen to the wisdom of the self.

Create a supportive network of people. Find those who will allow you to be whoever you are at

the moment and give them cookies and a big thank you.

These people are the treasures, the lifelines for us.

Ask for what you need. Make a large HELP sign and stand on your porch and wave it.

No matter how much people love us, they may not see our despair or hurt. Most would be happy

to help if they only knew that we needed support.

Banish ought and should from your life. Write these two words on a piece of paper and eat it.

Better you consume them before they consume you.

Find some constructive outlets for your emotions. Find some creative ways to release the anger, guilt or despair you may be feeling. Tossing marshmallows, yelling in the backyard, hitting a pillow or breaking garage sale china (tossing it into a large box out in the backyard works wonders) will help put the motion back into the emotion. Talking about intense feelings does not always help.

Find a personally non-destructive way to express the intensity of an emotion. Having an adult temper tantrum within planned boundaries is a wonderful way to release the tension of grief.

Don't forget how to laugh-or dream. Insist on joy everyday even if it is only a remembered moment. Remember a funny incident you shared with your loved one or a dream you once had that made

you smile. Let those moments of light come back into your life, not to be counted as what you no longer have, but to be cherished for what they truly are.moments of LOVE that are yours forever.

Buy a pair of rose-colored glasses and wear them whenever you need to see things in a different way. They are a change in perspective. We cannot control what happens to us, but we can control what we do with what happens to us, and rose-colored glasses help remind me of

my own power to see things in many different ways.

Remember the love. Our loved ones died, but we did not lose them or the love we shared. Even if your love lived only for moments or perhaps was never born, love has a name,

and you know it by heart. Don't lose that love in the despair of grief.

Be gentle in your despair. Be creative in your grief. Let the joy of your loved one's life begin to take the place of the hurt and pain of his death. Remember, though death has come,

love never goes away.

May Spring come soon!