SURVIVING THE HOLIDAYS

 ~By Mary Cleckley,  BP/USA

If this is our first year at surviving the holidays since your child died, it is important that you accept that there are no magic words to get you through November, December and January. I’m sure you already know these months will not be the fun days you have experienced in the past. Rather than fun days, let’s try to at least make them no worse. Give yourself permission during these months to fall apart when you need to and you’ll probably need to! That person you lost is very important and you have that right. Better still, you have that need.

Let’s talk first about tears. When you need to cry, do it! Tears are healthy. They are a sign that you are doing well, for you are allowing your grief, rather than denying it. You can’t move ahead through the grief process until you’ve become well acquainted with the normal signs of grief. The people who care about you may feel uncomfortable when you are obviously grieving. If they haven’t experienced this loss themselves, they don’t understand your needs now, any more than the old proverbial man on the street. Remember how unprepared you were for the deep pain of grief? It’s important that you let those caring people know that you are profoundly changed by this tragedy.

It’s the time of year when friends and neighbors plan parties. Some may invite you no matter if it’s the last thing on your mind. If you do decide to attend, please leave the back door open in case you need to escape. Some may mistakenly think it’s possible to keep you so busy that you’ll forget that your child died. You know that’s impossible. No matter how well intended these plans are, they are the wrong plans for your family. Don’t worry about the impact on your friends.

Thanksgiving can cause problems if you aren’t ready to sit around a turkey trying to act thankful! It probably is going to be awhile before you have that ability again. You may consider having pizza that day and just pretend it’ just another day. Grief can make you do strange things! You may find you need to change lots of things that have been the ways you have observed the holidays in the past. For instance, you may decide not to have a Christmas tree this year.  Some will see this as weird, but those of us who have made that same decision think it makes perfect sense. Maybe you’ll ignore the holidays and run away to places where holidays aren’t uppermost in most minds—maybe the beaches in Florida or California or the skiing in Colorado or a cabin in North Georgia. Maybe this is a good time to explore the treasures of New York City, Washington, D.C. or New Orleans.

You will survive the holidays better if you take control of them. Some think they have no control of anything but, if you feel that way, you probably haven’t explored the possibilities that are available to you. Your brain is very curious. If someone suggests things that are different, it rushes around madly trying to come up with a few. Here’s a plan for you.

First, get input from your family members for their suggestions. You already know that small children don’t take too kindly to changing anything. Maybe they’ll be happy about seeing what Santa brought. Afterwards, go to a nearby skating rink. Have hot dogs for all later. Also, consider some of the things in the previous paragraph.

Maybe your needs keep you at home. If so, plan to do it the easiest way. Can another member of your family have the meal? Can others bring favorite items of food to help with the meal? If not, can you have the meal on Christmas Eve.

Some people do that instead of having it on Christmas Day. It leaves Christmas Day itself not so rushed. Any change seems to help. Go to a different place of worship. It’s okay to cry. Sit in the back so you can either cry in peace or, if you feel a need to. you can leave.

If you feel Christmas cards are needed this year or a very few presents, could a relative or friend help with the addressing and shopping? If you must shop yourself, select a place where there is less atmosphere such as music and decorations.

Take advantage of the discount stores. Things don’t have to be perfect. Give up perfections this year. Everyone will understand. Don’t over do. You’re already tired. Grieving is exhausting. Next year or the one after that or whenever, you’ll be ready to resume some of the old traditions. Maybe not! Some traditions may never be done again. It’s up to your family.

Take care of yourself physically. If you are in a depressed state, don’t make it worse by overdrinking or overeating or too much caffeine. Take time for you. Read in a quiet place. Exercise by running, walking or swimming. Rest. Eat nourishing food. Establish priorities and make a list of them. Check them off as you accomplish them. This helps to maintain control. Seek help if you need it. Call one of the telephone friends listed in your newsletter or call one of your friends. Seek professional help if you feel you need it. Whatever you do, don’t isolate yourself! Withdrawal is not the answer. It’s important to know that you are not alone. Others out here care and understand. I am one of them. We do not have to walk this lonely road alone.

Your attitude is important. You can/will survive. You have greater strength than you know. You have already survived the worse thing that can happen. Stay flexible. If the plans you made don’t seem right now, dump them! Do something on the spur of the moment that does seem right. Care not if other people don’t agree or that your brain isn’t too excited about it. Outsmart them all!

The New Year is ahead. Let’s hope for better days. The holidays will come again and one of these days you and your family will have figured out how to survive the holidays now that things have changed for the better. Know that there will be more peaceful days ahead for you and your family. Take it as a promise!